Doesn't Look Good

Dear Teagan:
Well, I don't think you're going to be a big brother in May after all. The ultrasound I has yesterday showed no heartbeat. They tried to say it was maybe too early. I know better than that. I was supposed to be 8 weeks
& 2 days pregnant. With you, we saw your heartbeat at 7 weeks and 3 days.
So they called it a "threatened miscarriage." They said my hormone levels were corresponding to how far along I was so that was good. But the bleeding and no heartbeat wasnt a good sign. They said to come back on if the bleeding got heavier or if any pain started. They said to take it easy and not lift you. So around 8pm we went to snuggle in bed. We fell asleep and around midnight I felt like I had to go to the bathroom. I did. Still bleeding. 3am, I had such bad cramps it felt like labor pains. I got up and the bleeding seemed to just gush out. I went to the bathroom and then tried to go back to sleep. I couldn't. The pain was becoming constant and like a stabbing pain. At that point I just knew I was miscarrying. I just wanted it to be over. Finally I went into the bathroom again and this time I passed a large clot. Yuck. I took some Tylenol, and a hot shower. Then went back to snuggle you and daddy. I woke up a few hours later to you chatting with daddy. I felt much better.
A part of me has a bit of hope left. Like maybe it's just some crazy complication and everything will be fine. But the other part of me knows it's over.
Its weird. I don't feel sad. I mean I do, but not like I think I should.
You little man, have got me through so much this year. Having to put my beloved dog to sleep and have her die while I petted her to sleep and now this. Without you, neither of those things I would have been able to get through.
I you keep me so busy that I don't have time to dwell on things. And you make me so grateful for what I do have.
Thank you for being so sweet and wonderful.
I love you to the moon and back!
Love,
Mommy